Okay, well I'm not great at writing poetry but I'll help where I can... I'm going to be critical...sorry...just tell me to shove off if it gets too much...
You spelt 'beginning' wrong. ‘I stood on the edge’ Okay with this line, it is neither correct nor incorrect...I mean you could have written it this way on purpose but grammatically it would be ‘I stood at the edge’, however even then you would need something like ‘cliff’ or ‘drop’ or something. But leaving it this way...where it kind of just halts, then falls to the next line gives an interesting imagery...so personally I would just change ‘on’ to ‘at’ but then leave it.
‘With closed eyes I inhaled the crips...’ This sentence is a little difficult to read, though again it depends on the effect you want. There should be a comma between ‘eyes’ and ‘I’ but if you leave the comma out it gives this fast paced effect to the line and then the comma afterwards just before ‘cold air’ makes the reader gasp for breath, as if it really is cold. So again...depends on the effect you want.
I’m not sure about the next line or its purpose...I feel like it’s a bit unneeded or unnecessary. But again, your poem, I’m just giving constructive criticism.
“I jumped. I flew.” The ending to the poem with the full stop after “flew” makes it sound like the persona had a sudden untimely death. That could be what you were aiming for, but if it wasn’t then I would either have “I flew” without a full stop or maybe even a few lines down...as if it seems as if the person fell and suddenly, no, they’re free. I don’t know.
You obviously don’t have to change anything, and it’s really hard to critique poetry because technically nothing is “incorrect”. Even spelling and grammar is liable to change, I mean...look at e. e. cummings...
Also, if you want to make your poetry more interesting, play around with the adding meaning in the structure of the poem. Such as the use of white space. Fore example if you wanted to endorse the theme of flight, you could aways write the poetry in the shape of a wing...or such...
oh my gosh! thanks for the feedback it is so helpful, i have issues with the word beginning i always spell it wrong for some unknown reason. ad everything else is so helpful! thankyou! and yes if you were to send me some of your poetry that wuld help ^^
It's a little bit short thought...
But it's realy good!
I'm going to be critical...sorry...just tell me to shove off if it gets too much...
You spelt 'beginning' wrong.
‘I stood on the edge’
Okay with this line, it is neither correct nor incorrect...I mean you could have written it this way on purpose but grammatically it would be ‘I stood at the edge’, however even then you would need something like ‘cliff’ or ‘drop’ or something. But leaving it this way...where it kind of just halts, then falls to the next line gives an interesting imagery...so personally I would just change ‘on’ to ‘at’ but then leave it.
‘With closed eyes I inhaled the crips...’
This sentence is a little difficult to read, though again it depends on the effect you want. There should be a comma between ‘eyes’ and ‘I’ but if you leave the comma out it gives this fast paced effect to the line and then the comma afterwards just before ‘cold air’ makes the reader gasp for breath, as if it really is cold. So again...depends on the effect you want.
I’m not sure about the next line or its purpose...I feel like it’s a bit unneeded or unnecessary. But again, your poem, I’m just giving constructive criticism.
“I jumped.
I flew.”
The ending to the poem with the full stop after “flew” makes it sound like the persona had a sudden untimely death. That could be what you were aiming for, but if it wasn’t then I would either have “I flew” without a full stop or maybe even a few lines down...as if it seems as if the person fell and suddenly, no, they’re free. I don’t know.
You obviously don’t have to change anything, and it’s really hard to critique poetry because technically nothing is “incorrect”. Even spelling and grammar is liable to change, I mean...look at e. e. cummings...
Also, if you want to make your poetry more interesting, play around with the adding meaning in the structure of the poem. Such as the use of white space. Fore example if you wanted to endorse the theme of flight, you could aways write the poetry in the shape of a wing...or such...
If it helps I could send you some of my poetry...